I Never Thought it Could Happen to ME

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I was turning forty and just as I had been taught in medical school that because I had no family history of breast cancer, I should go and get my first mammogram. So I did not even give it a second thought. That’s why I’ll never forget that afternoon when I went in for my follow up ultrasound after my abnormal mammogram.  The radiologist matter-of-factly stated,  “ The mammogram and ultrasound looks very suspicious for breast cancer but don’t worry, we know how to treat this and almost 90% of women with breast cancer survive with treatment.”

I was wondering what part of any of this was I not supposed to worry about?

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I was wondering what part of any of this was I not supposed to worry about.  I still  had to take the kids to their soccer practice, cook dinner,  and I was also scheduled to be working a full day in the operating room tomorrow.  But then it hit me like a brick wall: what  if I am the part of the 10% that does not survive breast cancer? I could remember at that moment thinking and being so afraid that I had not done enough for my five year old son, Luke, and he would not remember me when he was older.

My next response was to run away

Even after all my years of practicing medicine that was my response.  I did not listen to the textbook answer or the scientific reasoning, and my next response was to flee the situation as  fast as possible without even asking a single question.  I couldn’t  believe this was happening to me! I walked out telling my husband that I was ready to leave.  My husband, Ricardo, could see the fear in my eyes, and  requested to see the radiologist and the images from the ultrasound.  I remember calling my friend Claudia, who is a radiologist that specializes in breast imaging and cancer, thinking that she would look at the images and tell me that the previous radiologist was wrong and it looked like a cyst. This was me trying to find control again. But this is where breast cancer began to show me that I was not in control of my life.  Claudia immediately looked at the images, and I could see in my friend’s eyes that I was about to embark on a journey that I had never planned.

After being diagnosed in April 2017 and having just completed a long treatment process of breast cancer involving a mastectectomy, six rounds of chemotherapy, 38 rounds of radiation, and hormonal therapy, I’m naturally curious about how to own my newly acquired “breast cancer survivor” identity and body while promoting a sense of well-being.

I am not a big fan of the survivor title because I often ask, “A survivor of what?” A survivor of my own body?  My own body created this war within me.  How could I ever trust my body again? So I find  myself facing a paradox of wanting to love my body but still fearing that it may turn on me any day.

One day, I was digging into the depths of my confusion with a psychologist friend who has worked with metastatic breast cancer survivors, Elvin Aydin, a brilliant woman who lovingly  helped me through these struggles. My mind bounced back and forth between the conviction I was feeling about getting well and the uncertainty that tormented me.  I began to consider what’s involved in the development of a disease and that’s when it hit me.

If we look closely at the development of any disorder, we will see numerous causes and conditions come into play.  There is no way, one person can control all the biological, psychological, environmental and spiritual components of a disease process.  There is only so much a person can control.  More than ever, we humans want to feel in control and we fear the unknown.  But do we really have the power to alter our course of events?

But Bloom will

Grow and support those involved in the breast cancer community.  We will find ways to live healthy, being mindful and investing in our family and friends, in order to create health.  There will be factors we have control over, some factor we do not have control over, and somethings we don’t even know about.  Knowing this, I  ask you to join us on this journey of self discovery and finding a way to live this short life mindfully and meaningfully.

Dr. Heather Colmenter The medical doctor who became a patient. She is an Anesthesiologist affiliated with multiple hospitals in the Houston area, including Baylor St. Luke's Medical Center and CHI St. Luke's Health-Patients Medical Center.